For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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