True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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