So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
