he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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