I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
