M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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