My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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