dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
