Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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