he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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