just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
