i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
