she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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