i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
