The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
