something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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