But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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