i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
