he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
