In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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