Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
