I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
