1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
