I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
