His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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