Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
