Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
