I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
