This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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