everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
