the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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