hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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