she takes plan B like it's going out of style
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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