We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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