I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
