apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
