My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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