Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
