My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
