Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
