You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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