Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
