the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
