we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
