i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm just crazy horny about you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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