You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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