he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
