the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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