I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
