if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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