I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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